And you have to wonder, will it really be so terrible to give up? People die every day in the city, and their bodies wash out to sea. Don’t the saints find some solace or comfort in watching us be rightly condemned? Surely this ought to be good for something, even if only as a cautionary tale.

And of course I’ve thought all this, again and again, and forgotten it again. Like a tree bisected by a chain-link fence; you can’t get rid of it, you only grow around it.

Then what does a life look like that is my kind of life, and yet has a past like this moment?

picking a hole in a wall year by year

wishing there was someone on the other side who knows just what to do

but you knew what to do, and look where that got you.

wearing a track in the floor pace by pace

thinking too much about labyrinths, and not enough about threads

even so, Ariadne is not the one for me

The soft wet honey-gold, tinted a bit off-pink, off-green. It was like being, or imagining that I could be, everywhere at once.

everyone’s leaves are pubescent. bud-scales not yet fallen, petioles not yet elongated. there’s a certain auroral tenderness to them. the sky shivers on the slow cusp of dawn, minute by minute unfurling the stillness of the day. still translucent, smooth, fragile. new bricks not yet dulled by rain. quiet nights not yet wallpapered with cicadas. viburnum smells of vanilla and cloves; lilac smells of perfume and blackberry pie; sweet cecily smells of anise and tarragon. spring beauty opens her long-lashed eyes in the undergrowth. her petals are the color of fine china, painted with tiny brushstrokes of pink. wake-robin has woken, and jacob’s ladder peals in mezzo-soprano under the alto bluebells.

the sheer beauty of that which is not me moves me to tears. the contrast between my existence and worthwhile ones. 

I am made of pasta and sin. Someday moss will grow from me.

and if it never stops? and if i never get out? if there’s nothing i can do better, no way to escape?

floating in freefall, separated from home by the deadly air and lack of air, more alone than any other human. turning slowly in the crisp sunlight, conserving momentum, like any rock in orbit cannot fail to do. the still bright stars in the black sky around me. nothing in my hands.

my bones are concentrated poison. compressed black sludge leaching carcinogens and heavy metals. every heartbeat contaminates a little more of me.

it’s not pain. i wish it were pain, because i can bear pain. (like rain dripping off my soaked and chilly jacket, like a sudden weakness in my tendons.) it’s glimpses of the thing i’m not allowed to notice. it’s degeneration, failure, slowing to a stop. drifting.

The Poem

apoemaday:

by Vladimir Nabokov

Not the sunset poem you make when you think
aloud,
with its linden tree in India ink
and the telegraph wires across its pink
cloud;

not the mirror in you and her delicate bare
shoulder still glimmering there;
not the lyrical click of a pocket rhyme—
the tiny music that tells the time;

and not the pennies and weights on those
evening papers piled up in the rain;
not the cacodemons of carnal pain;
not the things you can say so much better in plain prose—

but the poem that hurtles from heights unknown
—when you wait for the splash of the stone
deep below, and grope for your pen,
and then comes the shiver, and then—

in the tangle of sounds, the leopards of words,
the leaflike insects, the eye-spotted birds
fuse and form a silent, intense,
mimetic pattern of perfect sense.

The Complete Guide To Redbuds

Lying with your cheek pressed against her flank, you can see that around the scar where a branch was amputated the bark is stippled with tiny dormant buds. The reddish bark beneath your cheek is shaggy with soft scaly strips, which bend and flatten to her surface as your weight rests on them. A few break softly, and the rust-colored cork seems bright compared to the dull gray of the outermost layers of bark. Around you, her branches twine in varying thickness, like a church organ come to swaying life. The bark of the smallest is shining silver-brown, and as you trace the binary forks up the langourous twigs you see the smooth brown stipple and break like rabbit’s fur, down to the boar’s bristle coarse yielding shag that your cheek rests on. 

Her trunks lean and dance like palm fronds, like a cool fountain. She casts her limbs about her with an practiced grace that never seems contrived. Along each slanting bough march the regular scars of twigs shed decades ago, and each scar blooms in pink and fuchsia. As if elf-princesses had climbed her, and from each foothold flowers grew. The same garlands crown her as she crowns the spring forests, glimmering through the undergrowth. She fairly sings with joy to greet the sun each year. 

She’s red in the bud, both in flower and in leaf, but as the days warm her russet turns to purple, and from each round floret emerges a finger of pink, which then opens into a gallant-beaked pea-flower, her family’s crest. Eat one – they taste delicately of nectar, of new leaves, with a faint astringent dryness, like lemonzest or like rosehips. You need not fear to harm her – she is prodigal in blossom, and has not the space to grow all the pods her ambition would bear. Look, one of the pods of last year still flutters stuck to that branch. It’s just like a snow-pea, but thinner and sharper. They cling to her branches as you see her flowers do, and their leathery red-brown skin rattles in the wind both before and after they open to shed their small black seeds. 

Is it late enough in spring for – yes! at the tips of her sunniest branches her leaves are just emerging. They’ve barely broken out, and are still folded, but they’re light green tinged with red, as they should be, and you can guess what the shape of them will be. Like when you were a child and cut construction paper – the teardrop shape not yet opened out into the heart. In the summer she’ll extend them like stepping stones, carefully arranged to best catch the light filtering down. She gathers what light comes to her in her small outstretched hands. When it rains, each leaf is a cup, dripping from tip to tip like a garden fountain. 

I never stop marveling at the pentatonic grace of her cascading twigs, the way she comes up like a fountain and down like lace. Even when her children seed themselves across my flowerbeds, I sometimes can’t bring myself to cut down that beauty. In the shade of our forests, she spreads her smooth thin leaves, clear green dappled with occasional sun, and in the spring she fills the woods with her bright melody, repeated in fugue below the careful slow oaks and above the wake-robin and trout-lily. In all seasons but fall she is the most beautiful of trees.

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